The Subtle Art of Tact

Dear Plus-Sized Females: Just because they make a bikini (or any other skimpy article of clothing) in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.


I am so sick of plus-sized girls thinking they have the bodies of skinny girls. If there's a fat roll over the top of your bikini bottom, you probably should not be going out in public like that. If your boobs pop out of every single shirt you wear, I'd probably buy a bigger size. If you have to lay down to button your jeans, either eat less salt or buy different pants.


I'm all for being confident in your body type. Heck, I'm a plus-sized girl, and I'm perfectly fine with it. However, we do not want to see all the goods hanging out of your clothing, and especially, out of your bikini.


Fact: Plus-sized females wear a size 12 or above. Now, let's face it: a size 12 really isn't all that big, but whatever, that's our fashion industry for you. Now let's say you go into a store and are looking for a bathing suit. You find a very nice, tactful one piece (maybe even with a little skirt to hide the tops of your thighs) in the plus-sized section in a size 20. Next to it is a bikini, again in a size 20, that you think is equally cute.


Here's where the mind struggle comes in. Obviously you like the bikini, and men obviously like bikinis, too. It's in your size and will accommodate your protruding stomach, your less-than-small bust, and your bigger thighs (mainly because there's not much restricting them). Also, if it's made in your size, then you'll obviously look good in it. You decide on the bikini, and the next day, you head to the pool.


Let us, if you will, go over the many reasons plus-sized girls should choose more modest swimwear. Reason 1: Where did it go?




Reason 2: Boobs! Boobs everywhere! Don't get too close, or you'll poke your eye out.





And finally, reason 3: I don't think she's pregnant.





So as you can see, there are three very strong arguments against what happens when a plus-sized female purchases and proceeds to wear a bikini. Now, let us explore a few types of swimwear that are actually FLATTERING to a fuller frame.





As you can see, this one piece creates a nice line, emphasizing the hour-glass figure.





This choice (one of my favorites) still shows the chest area, but opts for a "dress/skirt" style that hides a bigger tummy.





And finally, this design shows that plus-sized girls can have fun, too! Notice how the exotic design again hides any bumps and creases of which you may be weary.


Without sounding too much like an advertisement for a clothing store, my point is this: it's a lot more flattering and lot more sexy if you hide what you have and choose clothing that flatters your shape. Not mention, it's a lot more respectful of those that have to see you! I don't want to be exposed to those images being seared in my brain for hours/days on end. Plus, where's the mystery? I'm sure if you ask any man, I'm sure that 9 times out of 10, they would want you to cover up and smooth down those curves.

Letting Go

It is a woman's nature to hold on as tightly as possible to the things that mean the most to her. Her "skinny" jeans. An old photograph. A card from her 16th birthday. A rose from her first boyfriend. The boyfriend himself. Some guys do this too, but I have found that the ones that do are few and far between. I am pretty certain it is a scientific fact that women invest more into events or relationships than men do, but that is an entirely separate post.


So the case in point is that we hold on to these objects because we can feel them, see them, taste them, and smell them. To us, they are physical representations of a past life-- perhaps one that was more vital and interesting than the one in which we currently exist. These objects provide comfort to us in times of sadness, and we seem to do anything we can to hold onto them as long as possible.


Well, forget that.


Here I am, 25 years old, and I'm up to my eyeballs in useless crap. Tell me what an old gymnastics ribbon is going to do for me now? Remind me that I can do a split? I do not need it, and the quicker you figure out that neither do you, the better.


Think about it. It technically isn't the objects that we are holding onto; they are just reminders of memories of which we can't let go. They are the memories that we need to keep. So now, I'm 25, and I'm unable to fully live my life and give myself chances to create new memories because I am so weighted down with old ones. Tell me: is this fair?


What was that terrible Eminem song? "Cleanin' Out My Closet?" Well, I think it would do all of us some good to clean out our closets... literally and figuratively. We can't continue to allow ourselves to swim in the oceans of memories of past lives. We will never be able to live in the present.


And if you can't live in the present, then life will pass us by without us even noticing. All the sudden, we are 50 years old, alone, and waiting for our chance at a new beginning.


You may be wondering what spurred this "divine revelation" I am having (or not, it's whatev), and it is okay to wonder. Honestly, it is a book. Well, WAS a book. For the past 3 months, I have had this book sitting on my nightstand waiting for me to read. It was given to me by a person that meant a lot to me, but things did not work out. However, because of the cowardice ways of the other party, I am left with this book, and it has been staring me in the face for too long. I will not read it, and it is obviously not going back to its previous owner. Therefore, I am donating it.


Books are meant to be read, and it is not fair for it to just sit on a desk, alone, and falling short of its potential. Someone else should have it and make their own memories with it. I am sure they will need it more than I ever will.


We too often associate our memories with tangible objects, and over time, our lives are filled with nothing but these constant reminders of things that did not work out, or times when we were skinner, or boys that turned into boyfriends that turned into distance memories. We do not need them. Every day, we should wake up with a fresh start and a clean slate, so today, I am cleaning out my closets. All the skeletons, the bad memories, the wilted flowers, the jeans that do not fit, and the wrinkled photographs because I know that only the good memories will remain in my heart.

Welcome!

Ok, I know that you're probably thinking, "Why is this crazy girl adding a 'Welcome!' post after she's already posted 21 entries?" Fair enough. I used to house my blog on MySpace, but the growing number of creepers who would send me unwanted messages has driven me to the decision that MySpace is Stalker Central. Therefore, viola! Welcome to my NewSpace!

The previous 21 entries were taken from my previous blog and added here for a few reasons. One, I really liked these entries and wanted to save them, and two, I wanted my new readers (if any) to get a good understanding of who I am. Hopefully, they'll make you keep coming back for more!

I'd like to also add a disclaimer to this site. This blog will be based on my opinions, thoughts, feelings, and reactions toward things I see, hear, or experience. They are not intended to persuade, judge, or even change your own opinions. People that know me well enough know that I like discussion for discussion's sake, and I will never argue with anyone. However, I do openly welcome any comments that will not only continue the discussion, but also offer up your own personal experiences or points of view, and maybe even make me second guess my own.

This blog is purely for your entertainment (and to practice freedom of speech, of course!). I'll probably not update it everyday.

I feel like I should take a second to explain the title, "Trading Simple Wars." One of my favorite quotations (and one I try to constantly remind myself of) goes something like this: "Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle."

This blog represents my own battle, and I hope you take a chance to comment on some of these entries with YOUR own battle. The wars we face everyday will one day mean everything in the world to you, and we all need to learn to appreciate the struggle.

I hope you enjoy my humorous anecdotes, my struggles, my pain, my joys, and my experiences.

As always, if you don't like what you're reading, feel free to click that little "x" at the top right (or left for those terrible Mac users) corner of your screen! :)

Bigger and Better

I was talking with a friend of mine last night about the amazing new purchases I made this weekend that added 14 new DVDs to my collection. (That's right, 14. Thank you, Blockbuster.) I started ranting (go figure) about how I was going to be so pissed off when they started making something over than DVDs because I refuse to start my collection over (again-- remember VHSs?). His response was, "Um, hello, BluRays."


Okay, I don't know if you know me very well, or even if you know me at all, but I'm a traditionalist in some respects. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. That's my philosophy. Anyway.


BluRays. Who gives a crap. It's basically a DVD that looks better on a High Def. TV, which, by the way, I do not own. Why do I need a flat screen television when the two I own work perfectly fine? Seriously, I think it is just a ploy for companies to make us want something BIGGER and BETTER. I own a gazillion VHS tapes, and I am NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT. My entire Disney collection is on VHS, and I own TWO, count 'em TWO, VHS players. My children will watch Disney on VHS just like I did. I will not wait for them to come out of the "vault" that does not even exist.


There is no reason I need to feel like I am in the middle of the movie I'm watching. I watch a lot of action movies, so I seriously do not think I need to feel like I am in the middle of a gun fight between Angelina Jolie and whatever dude she is trying to kill one minute and trying to sleep with the next (which, by the way, get a new agent, Angelina, because you are seriously stuck in a rut). There is absolutely no need to go and spend hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars on a new TV when the ones I own work perfectly fine.


The same goes for DVDs.


Even if DVD players go off the market (which I do not see anytime soon, considering I can still buy a VHS player), I can continue to play my DVDs in a BluRay player. That that, my friend said, "Well, you can't play BluRays in a DVD player." Who honestly gives a crap? I do not own a BluRay disc, so why do I care if I can't play them in a DVD player?


Soon enough, scientists will start cloning the actors and shipping them off to houses to re-enact the entire movie for us while we sit on our couches anyway, so what is the damn point?


Why are we always conditioned to want something more, something bigger, something better? Take the new Apple 4G phone, for example. Apple comes out with a new iPhone every single year. They market the hell out of it, and people stand in line for hours trying to get it. It is a phone, not the answer to world hunger. Plus, there is always a problem with it. That is what happens when companies fight to out-do themselves over and over again... you end up with a sub-par product that you will have more trouble returning or troubleshooting that you did standing in line for hours to buy.


Dishwashers is another thing. I never grew up with a dishwasher, and I never intend to have a dishwasher. A few reasons: 1) I see so many commercials about how this product leaves residue and that produce does not actually get the dishes clean (ew, gross), and 2) Why do I need a dishwasher when I have perfect capability of washing the dishes myself? The way I see it is if I wash them myself, then I KNOW they are clean! Why run them through the dishwasher when, in the end, I'll probably just have to hand-wash them again anyway.


Hey, before you know it, your iPhone will be able to wash your dishes for you, anyway.


Moral of the story is this: society instills this need within us that we never quite have it good enough, and I do not think that is any way to live. We don't have the best TV, so we go out and buy a High Def. TV. We do not have the best, most technologically-advanced phone, so we stand in line for a device that could rule the world. We don't own the newest kind of movie product, so we spend $25 on buying a BluRay movie we already own on DVD, and of course, the $150 dollars on the player to play said BluRay movie. But remember, BluRay movies don't do anything unless you have the High Def. TV, so now we're back to square one. It's absolutely ridiculous.


What happened to the time when we were perfectly content with indoor plumbing? No, we just HAD to have the brushed chrome fixtures and the rain shower head and the jacuzzi hot tub that doubles as a hurricane barrack. We are never satisfied with anything less than the best, and I am getting rather sick of it! Be happy that you have two hands to wash dishes with, and be happy that you have electricity to power your television, and be happy that you have a phone that does nothing but make emergency phone calls.


I hope I never see the day where we never have to get out of bed in order to live a healthy, happy life.

Don't Skip This Part

Elmore Leonard once wrote: "I try to leave out the parts that people skip." I guess I should have added that Elmore Leonard is a fairly well-known writer and screenwriter, so obviously this quotation pertains to his writing technique. Anyway, that's honestly neither here nor there (or anywhere).


It got me thinking how closely our lives mimic what we read. Now, my life is no "To Kill a Mockingbird" storyline, and I pray to God it's no "Twilight" saga either (although I wouldn't mind having an Edward around), but it's kind of ironic: authors write tales that mirror human existence, and we then read those stories to escape our own being. We wish upon wish and hope upon hope that our lives would be as interesting or less dramatic or as romantic or more thrilling-- anything to make it like what we are reading.


Now, from an author's perspective, they try to make it so you just can not put the book down. They want their readers so engulfed in the lives and stories and shortcomings of the characters that they just HAVE to know what happens next. But here we are, reading this epic tale, engrossed in every last detail, and we probably never stop to think that these narrations that we spend so much time reading really are not that synonymous with real life. Even Leonard says that he leaves out all the parts that people would skip.


But here's the thing: the parts that people would skip when reading a book... THOSE are of what our day-to-day lives consist. THOSE parts are actually realistic. THOSE parts get us from one fight scene to the next. The fillers are what makes our lives flow, connect, and what brings color into our lives.


Maybe I'm a realist, and maybe it is just because I get annoyed with the abundance of alien/vampire/wizard/dinosaur/big scary monster movies that are released, but if you ask me, documentaries and biographies are the best kinds of cinema out there. They give you the real view on a subject-- they let the audience become privy to everything, not just what would make a good scene.


Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I'll venture a guess and say that Isaac Newton was a tad more scientific than Elmore Leonard, but truth be told that the same is true of events. The Chaos Theory even states that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. Every action we take has a consequence, even if it is just not tying our shoes tight enough in the morning.


So why do we skip out on the parts that take us from one fleeting love affair, or one exciting fight scene, or one life-changing moment, to the next?

De-Sensitizing the Nation, One Naked Butt at a Time

I will start this entry off by saying one thing: don't go see Sex in the City 2. It's not worth the time wasted or the $7.75 you'll pay for the ticket.


With that being said, in comparison to the first Sex and the City, the naked scenes were severely lacking in this sequel. Now, I do not particularly care to see the naked scenes (all in all, they make me a tad uncomfortable), but with a book/TV series/movie that is known to push the proverbial envelope, I was disappointed to see that they really toned it down in this movie.


There were a few naked butts, but that's about it.


Which brings me to my point. I was talking with a friend of mine about the minimal nudity in the movie, and we started discussing how completely de-sensitized we've become as a whole that sight of naked butts don't even affect us anymore. This got me really thinking about how the general audience has changed, considering one particular theme in this movie.


Carrie and Big are laying in bed watching an old black and white movie. In this movie, there is a lady who is trying to catch a ride or a cab or some sort of motor transportation, and she lifts her long skirt to show her leg. This, of course, catches the attention of an oncoming driver. Now, in the time of black and whites, this action was considered taboo.


But now, would we even blink an eye? I've done that (in jest, mind you), but I thought nothing of it. It's sad, to be honest.


I'm an old romantic at heart, and I would have given anything to live in the time of black and white movies and chivalry and men who would retire to the sitting room to have a cigar and brandy after dinner. So why do we let ourselves play into the expected roles of our time?


I'm fairly certain it is because of things like this that our moral character has completely gone down the crapper. If we can't even see a naked butt and get a little squirmy, how are we supposed to uphold any sort of moral obligation for ourselves? Those of us who still try to keep a modicum of decency and allure are in the minority, and in a lot of cases, we're thought of as "prude" and "uptight," whereas 50 years ago, it would have been the harlequins and streetwalkers that would be getting the sharp looks and poignant descriptions.


What has our society come to?


I'm all for evolution of thought and forward-thinking and progress, but can't we do all those things and still keep our moral obligations to not only ourselves, but to others? If my grandmother would have been sitting in the movie theater watching this naked butt with me (can I say, awkward?), she would have been appalled. In her time, when Clark Gable said, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," she probably covered her ears. Gentlemen and Ladies just don't talk/act that way.


I don't know. All I'm saying is that we seriously need to re-evaluate what we've become when nudity doesn't even make us blink an eye anymore.

I Live in WV, Which is Nowhere Near Richmond

Seriously, guys. Having a West Virginia driver's license does not equate to being toothless, barefoot, inbred hillbillies that live in a scene straight out of Deliverance. I don't even know how to play the banjo, let alone two at the same time.


I am a born-and-raised West Virginia girl. I am twenty-four years old, and I have no children. I have every single one of my REAL teeth, and I own numerous pairs of shoes (too many, in fact). My mother is my mother, and my father is my father; they are still married and do not live in a trailer. And no, I am NOT my own grandma.


I am so sick and tired of these cultural cliches that surround West Virginia and Appalachia in general. It's not our fault there are mountains everywhere, and some of us live in a holler. Holler is actually a technical term, did you know that? It's a derivative of "hollow" with the meaning of "a small valley between mountains." If there are mountains, there will be valleys. Where there are valleys, there is land. Where there is land, there are houses. Deal with it.


My time as an Admissions Counselor has taught me a lot of things, but most of all, I have figured out just how ignorant most people really are. I travel Virginia, Maryland, and DC. Let me preface this next statement by saying all three of the aforementioned areas border West Virginia. I do not comprehend how parents and their children do not realize that West Virginia is an entirely different state than Virginia. I'm sorry-- didn't West Virginia break away from Virginia after the Wheeling Conventions in, oh, 1863, or am I not remember this correctly?


My favorite question I get from families at college fairs is, "Where are you all located?" First of all, that question is grammatically incorrect (and they say West Virginians ain't smart). Now, this is my favorite question to be asked because there are so many ways this conversation could go. I normally reply with something to the effect of, "We are located in north-central West Virginia, about (fill in approximation of hours here) away from (enter current location here) in a town named Philippi."


This is where things start to get interesting.


I have received numerous responses to my reply, some of which are normal and, surprisingly, they have heard of Philippi before. Those responses are dull, and I, for your reading pleasure, won't list them here. Other responses I get go like this:

"North... Central... West... Virginia. Wow, that's a lot of directions in there." (insert laughter) (insert my polite smile)

"Oh. (head nod). Philippi. How close is that to Richmond?"

"West Virginia, huh? Are there cows that roam around your campus?"

"Your school's in West Virginia? Do you all (ughhhhhhh) have dorms, or are there apartments nearby? Well, probably trailers, right?"

"West Virginia! Well all be! And you have all your teeth, too!" (This is real response, I promise you. It happened to me tonight.)


Phyllis Moore coined the term "PI-WASH," which means "Poor, Inbred, White, Appalachain, Shoeless Hillbilly." I am none of those, thank you, and I would appreciate it if you would not reduce my home state down to such tasteless, trashy cliches.


Long rant short. You're standing there calling me stupid because I'm from West Virginia, but you don't even realize there is a 35th state. I had to learn all 50 states and capitols in high school. Didn't you, or did you just skip over number 35? West Virginia is apparently the "13th floor" in a hotel. But I will tell you one thing, the 14th floor is really the 13th. Don't believe me? Ask Mitch Hedberg. "If you jump out of the window, you will die earlier."

Reality TV

Has anyone else noticed the massive amount of television shows dedicated to "little people"?


We first had "Little People, Big World." I didn't hate this show, but honestly, I never watched it. I think the husband could be a tad nicer to his wife, and the entire show kind of annoyed me a bit. So fast-forward a few years to "The Little Couple." This show dedicates an hour to two little people and their love and life together. How is this any different than any other show on television? So now, there is a show called "The Little Chocolatiers." Does anyone else think this is getting a little out of hand?


For the record, I'd be saying this if all the stars of these shows were of average height. Moving on.


The only way I can muster a modicum of appreciation for these shows is to think of it this way: Would I rather be watching the "real" life of The Jersey Shore, or the "real" life of real people?


TLC has absolutely gone crazy with the reality shows! "Addicted," "Hoarding: Buried Alive," "Little People, Big World," "The Little Couple," "19 Kids and Counting," "Cake Boss," etc., etc., etc.


What if there was a television station dedicated completely to average people of average height sharing the stories of their average love that produced an average amount of kids that live in their averagely-priced houses in their average suburban neighborhoods? How many people do we think will tune in every night after their average day at work to watch?


Why not make shows like "Big People, Little World," where it's all about giants and the problems giants face when doing average things, like walking through doorways? Or "Ain't Too Proud to Beg," a heartwarming tale of homeless people and their crazy begging antics? Or "Large and in Charge: a Race for the Top?" In this show, we'll chronicle the story of 5 morbidly-obese business men and their race up a very large, very steep staircase. Last one: "Horse Man," where we'll see what happens when your mother makes you a horse costume for your 3rd grade Halloween party instead of letting you be the green power ranger and the startling differences it can make in your social standing later in life.


Let's get serious.


Shows like "Little People, Big World" and "Hoarders: Buried Alive" are reminders to us as humans that our life is a lot easier than we make it out to be, and that just plain makes us feel good. People have a complex, and that complex is that our life is harder than anything else anyone has to face, and this "woe-is-me" attitude is supplemented by our own personal self-demise and self-denial that things will get better. By tuning into shows depicting the struggles of other people who face challenges that maybe they either didn't decide or can't overcome makes us feel as though we have a chance to overcome our heavy existence and gives us a glimmer of hope that better things are to come.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'd rather be Rick-rolled ten times than play into that bull.

I'm getting sick of the reality shows on television. I'm starting to think I'd actually rather watch the "reality" shows full of actors who are there just to provide sheer entertainment. At least then we know that we're watching the show because it's funny and not because we're trying to secretly successfully complete secret self-fulfilling prophecy operations and Dr. Phil our own asses. As cute and heartwarming as it is to see two people under the height of 4 feet fall in love in the Big City, I'd be much more impressed if the people were over 8 feet tall and fell in love in the Little City.

Just Because I Show a Little Cleavage...

I'm a girl. I have boobs. Deal with it.


Do you hear that guys? Women have boobs. For some women, it is a little more difficult to cover them up. And even then, sometimes we don't want to. Even RuPaul said, "Work it girl."' But get this: even if we show a little cleavage, it doesn't mean that we want you.



Cleavage happens, but it is not an open invitation to 1) stare awkwardly at us, 2) make crude/rude/lude comments to us, and 3) send us disgusting messages through MySpace. Sometimes women really do just want to feel sexy or cute without a man, especially a stranger, going on construction-worker on us.


Case in point. Hi, my name is Erica, and I have a large chest. Duh. I hope I'm not shocking anyone because I'm stating the obvious. I can't cover them up; I can't flatten them down; I can't surgically remove them (because I'm poor). Now, take a second and look at my profile picture. I have cleavage, right? I like that picture, and it is my every right to have it up there.


It is not the right of every single guy who has a MySpace profile to send me tens of emails asking for my phone number, my cup size, to meet up with me, asking me if I have a thing for Italians, asking if I prefer African-American males over Caucasian ones, or asking me sexual questions that I'd rather not re-type here.


And "sexy" is not spelled "sexxxxxxy." Do you REALLY think I'd entertain the idea of responding to a message that contains "sexxxxxxy" three or more times? Get your keyboard checked because I'm pretty sure something is stuck.


Not that I'd entertain the idea of responding to a message where "sexy" was spelled correctly... just trying to make a point.


Don't get me wrong; I understand that it is "taboo" to show cleavage, maybe even immoral to some. That just goes to show how much media has an impact on our thought process. But there are girls out there who are not looking to hook up or throw down or any other two-word phrase signifying a sexual encounter. Some of us just want to dress the way we want to dress. I have every right to be respected.


This is not me being all feminist-psycho chick. This is me being real. The same goes for a man. If he wants to wear moose-knuckle pants because he likes them, then I say, "Do it!" It's whatever makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.


Yes, I understand that people are going to look, whether you have your chest or tests out, but as an onlooker, you don't have to say anything. As a habitual MySpace stalker, you don't have to write e-mails (that I'm definitely not going to respond to). I just want to know where in my profile does it say anything about being "Open for Business"?


Anyway, I'm just ranting. What else is new?

Decisions

When will God ever stop teaching me lessons?


For as long as I can remember, decision-making has always been fairly easy for me. Im usually one of those make-a-decision-in-the-spur-of-the-moment-and-live-with-the-consequences kinda girl. I never really put a lot of thought into most of my decisions because, in the end, does it really matter? There were no real big things of significance to decide about. You may be saying to yourself, "What about your college search? Or grad school? Nope. I applied to two college, and OU didn't give me enough money. I applied to ONE graduate school, and I got in.


I'd leave town at a drop of a hat to take vacation. I'd choose topics of papers heedlessly. I changed my major without a lot of thought. I get a wild hare about something, and I usually do it Change my hair color. Buy a new cell phone. Whatever it was, I put as little thought into it as possible, and thus far, all has been well.


However, I've been faced with a challenge this week, and my heart has been heavy. I need to make a decision that involves something extremely important to me, and it seems that my spur-of-the-moment decision-making just won't do.


I didn't know what to do, and being inside my own head was driving me bonkers. For those of you who don't know me very well, I am an over-analyzer in a lot of respects. I look at things from every single angle and every possible scenario. I place myself inside the situation, and I take my self away from it. I don't go as far as making a pro-con list, but I'm sure, in this situation, it would have helped.


Do you know what 4 days of constant thought feels like?


When I was about ready to just throw my hands up, I decided to just take a break from everything and read. Reading always puts me some other place, and that's exactly what I needed. I picked up Atheism, Morality and Meaning, a book I'd been working on for a few weeks now. (It is a tad ironic that I chose this book to read because it requires a LOT of thought.) So I picked up the notebook I'd been taking notes in (yes, I take notes when I read philosophical books) and noticed the front of it. I had read the front of this notebook when I received it last Christmas as a gift by my best friend, but I hadn't read it in awhile because it had been packed away. It's a quotation from Mary Anne Radmacher that reads:


live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.


Isn't it funny how God puts certain things in front of you to remind you of what you've forgotten? As I look over the words of this quotation, even now I'm reminded of things I've learned about myself.


Live with intention. What is life, and how is it worth living, if you're not living for some purpose?
Walk to the edge. Don't play it safe all the time. If you walk through this life worrying about everything that could go wrong, you're never going to live and have amazing experiences.
Listen hard. Not only to those around you, but to yourself.
Practice wellness. Wellness of heart, mind, body, and soul.
Play with abandon. I don't want to encourage playing with fire, but I will encourage the concept. Don't always play it safe; take chances.
Laugh. Laughter is the reminder that we are still alive. Find something to laugh about each day, even if it's yourself.
Choose with no regret. I don't live my life with regrets, and sometimes, I forget why I do that. Regret is nothing but admittance that you've done something "wrong." There are no "wrong" things, only things we've done or haven't done. Take each experience, but good and bad, and learn something from it.
Continue to learn. Learning is essential to living a well-rounded life. Your mind never stops neurologically growing as long as you continue learning and exercising your brain and challenging it.
Appreciate your friends. You aren't alone in this life. There are people around you who love and care for you, and they want to be there in times of happiness, sorrow, etc. Appreciate those people, and never take them for granted. They will teach you far more than you know.
Do what you love. It'll never be a job if you love what you do. I wholeheartedly concur.
Live as if this is all there is. This is what I need to remember the most. Read on.


This entire week, I've been trying to separate my head from my heart, or "church from state," if you will. It never occurred to me that they have to work together. After all, your heart is only 13" from your head, right? But the truth of the matter is that all those decisions I'd made over my lifetime had been made, ul;ultimately, with my heart. It seems I'd always found a way to be utterly happy as long as I followed what my heart wanted, and as long as I couldn't immediately foresee any "danger" on down the road, my head went along with it.


I could sit here and "what if" things to death. I have sat here and "what if"ed things to death. Every scenario, rational or otherwise, has been bouncing around in my head like a mental patient who didn't take their proper daily dose. Life is full of "what ifs," but it's what you choose to accept as real and not real that honestly makes the difference. You can't perpetually live as if there is something better out there, something or someone to make you more happy, a different situation with different circumstances. You are dealt the hand you are dealt, and in that moment in time, you are where you are meant to be. You may not know the reason why, but trust Him, there is a reason.


Live in the moment. "Remember this moment, for this moment is your life." Whatever bumpy road you are lead down or CHOOSE to take, or whatever calm sea you choose to sail, it's your decision. It's my decision. I choose the path I want to take in life and every unforeseen good or bad circumstance that goes along with it. There are either things you do or don't do. There are no shades of grey. If you start seeing everything on a gradient, you will question everything to death, and trust me, it's not a good feeling.


So, rambling aside, God is continually teaching me new things about myself and constantly, in the tiniest ways, reminding of me things of which I've lost sight. I know what my heart is telling me to do, and I can see the forest for the trees this time. Both eyes open, I'm all in.

Facebook/MySpace/Twitter... It's Just Not the Place

Why do people insist on using Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter as political diaries anymore? Yes, I understand that you are perfectly free to express your opinions on these social media websites, but when is enough, enough? I can't even open my Facebook without having to read someone's opinion on the Obama Administration. I feel like I need to block my politically active friends so I don't have to hear about it. Personally, I'd rather be reading about the crazy antics of Muffy's Beagle than the Health Care Bill.


I am pro-opinion. I have a lot of opinions, and I will openly share them with whomever desires to listen. That is why I pick up the phone when I want to talk to someone about something. I do not post a status update of any significance that initiates comment after comment that reads something like this:


Muffy Stevens hates the new Health Care Bill! It sucks!
Jason Doe likes this status.
Johnny Bigguns wrote: Me too! I can't believe Obama is trying to make us pay for something we don't want!
Miffy Poachpot wrote: Like, OMG. Can you believe this is happening? We need to do something about this! Let's, like, stage a protest or something. A second March on Washington!
Tracey Longbottomstein wrote: I think the Health Care Bill will significantly change our country for the better. I have a full-time job, and I support 17 children and a no-good husband... it's hard to do that. This bill will help me!
Muffy Stevens wrote: Shut up, Tracey! Go tell it to someone who cares!


You get the idea. Then everyone's news feeds are nothing but entirely too-long diatribes riddled with poor grammar, text lingo, and too many "OMG"s to count. We can't open a newspaper, a magazine, a website, or even our phones anymore without being bombarded by political headlines. I highly doubt Obama is sitting by a computer anxiously awaiting what you have to say on FB, MS or Twitter, and I am positive that he does not care.


Here's an idea: pick up a telephone. I bet people in the "real world" (that's what we call the realm that is separate from the interwebs where real people outside of a computer live) may actually have an intellectual conversation with you about it. Sometimes I wish there was a group named "Stop Trying to Change the World with Your Status Updates" of which I could become a "fan."


Which brings me to my next point: becoming a "fan" of groups.


Someone please explain the point of this to me. Give me one good reason why I should become a "fan" of groups that have the names "I Actually Pay Attention to the L and R On My Headphones. Always." and "Join If You Have Ever Pushed a Door That Says 'Pull!" Are we serious? Or even just becoming fans of inanimate objects, like "Sweatpants," "Maple Syrup," "Cloudy Days," or "The Backspace Button." If I liked the backspace button that much, I'd look it in its eye and tell it so.


Sometimes I wonder that if I do not agree to become a fan of "Sweatpants," that one day I'll come home and all my sweatpants will be gone because they heard I am no longer a fan. Really?! Are we serious right now? Why do people actually put energy and effort into this garbage? I can understand becoming a "fan" of a band, an organization, or an establishment. At least there are actual people behind the computers who have put in serious effort toward the integrity and well-being of said group. Someone who has actually invested time and effort will see the fruits of their labor. Tell me the last time Maple Syrup came up to you, slapped you in the face, and told you off for not becoming a fan of it.


Facebook. MySpace. Twitter. These are not the places. Period. This is why I write blogs. If someone wants to read it, they have to put forth effort to do so. It does not just automatically invade your EyeSpace when you log on. If you have an opinion, voice it, but do so in a semi-contained forum. Do not think your status updates are "revolutionary" in any manner. They aren't. And if you have an opinion about what I'm writing, then call me. If you don't have my number, then I probably don't care what your opinion is anyway.

Expectations

So I had a lot of time to do some thinking this weekend. Thinking about life, about feelings, and about expectations. Expectations that we not only put on other people, but more importantly, ones that we place on ourselves.


I am the queen of self-inflicted expectations. I tell myself over and over again that I'm not "this" enough, or I'm not "that" enough. I set my standards and goals for myself so incredibly high that it almost seems that I WANT myself to fail. I can't reach these goals; I can't exceed these standards. I can't even come close. So I started to wonder: why do we always have higher expectations for ourselves?


I'm still not exactly sure that I understand the answer to question, or even if there is a set explanation, but here is what I think: I think the explanation is two-fold. I think we place higher expectations on ourselves because we like to be challenged. And then, once we do not meet these expectations, we beat ourselves up. Some of us overcome the defeat and try again. Others lower their expectations and move on. Either way, I am convinced that we are gluttons for punishment. I think part of us really wants to fail just to see how human we really are.


I have learned more about myself in my times of defeat than in my times of celebration.


In another vein...


Speaking from personal experience: I was talking with a friend yesterday and updating him on some things in my life. We started talking about relationships, and he said to me, "Whatever guy you end up with will be as close to perfect as perfect can get because you've got extremely high standards." That made my stop for a second and really think about what I look for in the opposite sex. Then I started to get a little angry.


Is it so wrong to want someone who can carry on intelligent conversation with something other than a bartender? Why can't I expect to meet someone who has goals and aspirations and a Plan B? I think it's completely feasible to imagine myself with an incredible sense of humor, and I don't think it's too much to ask for this guy to be a bit cultured. Since when does expecting the person you will spend the rest of your life with to have a standard grasp of the English language with a purpose in life constitute setting high expectations?


Don't I deserve to want certain things out of a life partner? I wrote an earlier blog about having a "type" and "limiting oneself" at only looking at one specific type of person. I'd like to clarify my current stance on the situation by saying these things that I am looking for aren't superficial and won't fade with time.


After my anger faded and I actually got a chance to sit and think about this statement that was made, Maybe I do have high expectations for my significant other, but that is only a reflection of who I am and who I want to be. I set high goals for myself: I wanted a college education; I wanted a salaried position; I want to go to grad school; I want to make a difference in others' lives and the world; I want to be financially stable; I want to utilize every gift that God has given me to its full potential; I want to be well-rounded; I want to understand English/Literature/Music/Science/Math/etc.


If I want all these things for myself, why wouldn't I want them for someone else? Especially someone I want looking to spend the rest of my life with? It just doesn't make sense. I don't want to work at a gas station all my life, so why would I want my husband to do that?

God and Religion

This may be harsh for some of my friends to hear, but I'm not all that sure God exists.


I've spent the vast majority of my life going to church because I was made to, praying to a God that I never saw or heard or really even felt. Other people seem to feel the effects of this God or higher being, but why haven't I ever been privy to it?


I've never seen or felt God, but I tell you what I have seen and felt: pain, heartache, homelessness, hunger, poverty, hate, racism, anger, divorce, abuse.. the list could go on. That's the world we live in. We live in a tangible world where real things happen everyday. You say this God is mighty to save, but look around you. We aren't getting better; we are getting worse.


Now, I'm not saying a higher being doesn't exist per say, I'm just saying that I don't think this prayer thing is really getting us anywhere. Everyone is so quick to say that God is doing such great things in their lives, but when something goes wrong, where is God then? Are you honestly going to sit there and say that when bad things happen in your life or in the lives around you, that God is just doing this to teach us a lesson?! REALLY?! God punishes you to teach you a lesson. God makes you impoverished to teach you a lesson. God allows guns and bombs and wars and people to kill other people to teach us a lesson?


Why can't we take responsibility for our own actions instead of saying that the actions around us are God-driven? Tell me: have you ever seen God? Have you touched him? Do you have lunch with him and discuss politics with him?


No.


You go to a building every sunday morning and sit there and listen while someone tells you that there's this great big guy in the sky that has control over everything in the world, and if we don't believe it, then we go to the great big guy in the ground. If God has control of the world, then why are there still wars and murders and gangs and droughts and landslides and earthquakes and flu shots that paralyze you and diseases that kill you?? Why is there racism and hate and discrimination? Why are we told to believe in and praise a God that allows all this crap in the world? Good things will happen to you if you believe in God. That's sounds awfully conditional to me.


We believe in a God that gives us hope for a better life and future. We look to him when things get bad. He gives us hope that things will get better. Look around you. Things are getting worse. I don't want to be jaded anymore.


I've seen so much since I've been traveling for my job. So much hate, discrimination, poverty against wealth, inner-city gangs, pregnant high schoolers who think that they'll never get into college, students who just don't care that they'll stay where they are their entire lives. I've seen schools and administrators that pit the wealthy against the poor, favor riches over poverty.


I've seen roads blocked off by police because of hold ups. I've seen and heard racism, discrimination of sexual orientation. I've seen billboards that were sponsored by churches that do nothing but exacerbate the issues, claiming, in big white letters sprawled across the interstate, "Ex-gays prove change is possible." I've seen a lot more now than my West Virginia eyes have afforded me before.


I think we pray to God because it's comforts us. That's what I did. I prayed to God when I lived in a situation that was unstable and argumentative and full of so-called sin. It made me feel better, thinking that there was something greater out there will a so-called divine plan. There was a reason the people I loved were going through such turmoil. Not so much anymore.


Many of you know the purpose of my blogs is just to get to put in writing the thoughts in my head-- the issues I've been toiling over in my own heart. I'm not saying that there isn't a God out there, but I'm just wondering what if he wasn't? How would our current situation change if there wasn't a God? I don't think things would be much different, to tell you the truth. So why do we put so much emphasis on a God that allows the crap we see in the world to go on? Why don't we just fend for ourselves? How much worse could things really get?

If You Had Only One Year to Live...

Time limits. Everything we do has time limits. Everything. We have to be at work at a certain time. We take lunch at a certain time. Our favorite show lasts one hour. So what if our life had a time limit, too? What would we do?


Let's say that someone tells you that you have only one year to live. Only one year to fix everything you've messed up. 365 days to do everything you ever wanted to do. 12 months to start doing better for yourself and other. 52 weeks to set everything right. Would you?


What kinds of things would you change in your daily life? Would you quit your job and travel to all the places you've always wanted to see? Would you tell everyone everything you've always wanted to say to them? Would you spend more time with family? Would you donate all your money to charity? Would you help others as much as you can? Would you start going to church? Would you start believing in God and the devil? Or would you stop believing in anything?


Why, just because you now know when you're going to die, should you change how you live? Billions of people go through their everyday life without knowing when they'll meet their end. They don't change their daily routine. They don't quit their jobs and try to make up for lost time. They don't all the sudden start donating all their money to charity, or find that one person they've been pining for and tell them their true feelings.


My point is this. If we one day know our life will end, why would we try to change things? That just means that we haven't been living the way we wanted to or should have been all along. I mean, that's why people change in the first place, right? They see something about themselves that they don't like, they figure out a way to change it, and they do it.


As far as we know, yes, we will all die one day. We don't know (or at least, most of us don't know) when that day will be. So as for now, we could all die tomorrow, so why aren't we living for ourselves and acting like this is our last day on earth? Why are the choices we make everyday not ones we would make if we knew it was our last day? We have to start living as though we won't be around tomorrow to change our ways and make up for lost time.

I Think I've Finally Gotten It All Figured Out

i'm 24. i haven't lived long, and i don't have a lot of life experience to back up this statement, but i think i've finally gotten it figured out... or at least most of it.


most of what, you might ask?!


life.


i figured out the objective of life... happiness, no matter what it takes. no one gets out alive anyway, so why worry yourself to death about trivial things that do nothing but bring you down? so you have problems. who doesn't? your family is psychotic. whose isn't? people are jerks. you'll have that. no one understands you. who will really ever understand you? who cares about all that stuff. nothing means anything unless you're happy with yourself and the life you've created.


that's really all life is. a creation of your choosing. you have free will to beat a path all your own, make your own decisions, keep the people you want in your life, move where you want, etc.


i see so many people in my life that struggle with everyday situations that, in retrospect, have no permanent bearing on their future. they let the small thing in life overtake them and overshadow the big picture, thus never allowing them to be happy.


then i see other people with big problems. life-changing situations that are placed before them, and yet, they still find a way to look at the positives... the silver lining. some people go through divorces, or crappy marriages, or shitty relationships, or job displacements, or losing a loved one, or financial trouble. some people get everything they want handed to them on a silver platter.


the one thing that everyone has in common, no matter what situation you're going through in life, is that it is ALWAYS your choice whether or not to be happy. ALWAYS. no one can choose that for you, and no one can change that if you don't let them.


and that's what i've figured out.


these past 6 months have really shown me how strong or weak i can be. i've finally learned who i am, what i can handle, and what i let handle me. it has shown me who my true friends are, who they weren't, and how i deal with heartbreak and failed relationships.


i've realized that i don't have to depend on someone else to be that first or last phone call of the day. i don't have to have a man in my life to get by. i don't always learn from my parents. i AM strong enough to get through this life alone. i do have a positive effect on others lives. i don't have to accept the mediocre. i can be opinionated, and yes, people will still like me. and if they don't, then i can't change that.


2009 has been a crazy year thus far. some things i would liked to have done differently, but i don't live with regrets. i never have. some times were hard, but it is the hard times that prove who you really are. so i'm thankful for the hard times.


i've chosen to be a lot of different things these past few months, but i choose happiness.

How We View God

a friend of mine's little sister passed away about 6 years ago from brain cancer. the doctor's gave her 2 weeks, so they took her home. the night she passed, her mom asked her if God was coming for her and if she was scared. her reply was this: "yes, He's coming for me. he doesn't look anything like His pictures, and He has the sweetest voice."


that really got me thinking about the media's image of God, and how society is so in tune with what we're told to believe that sometimes, it's really hard to think otherwise.


i mean, I've always accepted the image of Christ that was put before me in church and in pictures and paintings. of course, i always knew that no one really knew what He looked like, therefore how could anyone really create a image of Him? and why are we so ready to accept something at face value with no concern for entertaining any other school of thought?


then i started to wonder why we even had to have an image? i think that in order for us to have faith in something, it's easier for us to associate something tangible with that belief. when we think of God or Christ, what image do we get in our heads? we get the images from stories we read in the Bible, but what face is associated with the God character? does it perhaps look like the image that's been seared in our brains since we were born?


is it really necessary to create an image for something and teach society that image is correct when it's not fair because no one has ever seen the object? why must we have something we can touch and feel and think of in order to have faith or belief in something? we see Christ on the cross in the form of a crucifix; we see paintings of Jesus done by people who have never seen him; we see images of Christ eating supper with his disciples in The Last Supper; we see Him depicted in Christian publications drawn by people who are still very much alive; we see Jesus in children's literature used in sunday school or CCD. who came up with this image that is so very much alive in our imaginations?


i think we are all entitled to our own opinion of what Jesus looks like. who gets to decide what He looks like for the rest of the world? i don't need a visual image to believe in something, but it seems like people are more opt to have faith in something if they can relate an image to it, and i think that stinks. granted, at a very young age, we are taught to believe what our parents tell us, and my mom showed me pictures of Christ that like the mental image in have in my head... but for a second, entertain the idea that God didn't wear a robe, or didn't have long hair, or didn't have fair skin or the lumberjack beard.


sheer deductive reasoning would tell us that Jesus was dark-skinned. he lived in the middle east. i have fair skin and wouldn't last a day there. middle eastern natives are dark skinned, so why do all pictures of Jesus show him so fair? i can understand the beard, because back in the day, everyone had a beard. but what if Jesus decided it was too hot with a beard and cut His off? he was a carpenter, after all. that's not easy work. lots of sweating. maybe He didn't wear a robe. in that line of work, He would do a lot of bending over and moving around and physical labor, and a robe isn't too conducive to that kind of work.


my point here isn't to degrade the physical image of God we hold so dearly. my point here is to get you to think that society as a whole accepts too much at face value. we know God to look one way because we are told He does, but imagine, for a second, God to have pink hair, an earring, some Bermuda shorts, and sunglasses. would we still be so apt to have the same faith that He could save the world?

You Never Know How Much You Can Affect Someone's Life...

... with a smile, or a comment, or a hug, or harsh words, or even just a look. i guess i never knew until today how much these things make a difference in someone's life.


it's a very valuable lesson to learn. a smile goes a long way, and sometimes, a comment that you make can effect a person more than you even realize. granted, it's difficult to measure how these little things will have an effect on people, or if they even will. i guess i just tend to not even think about how my actions or comments could hurt or help someone.


i don't think a lot of people think about it.


do you go around each day thinking that if you smile at every stranger you see, maybe that could be the only smile that they've received in a long, long time? or if you open a door for someone, that could be the only act of kindness that one person has been shown.


there's a man that i see walking in Bridgeport all the time. he, to my knowledge, doesn't have a car. I'm not sure if he has a home or not, but i can tell that he doesn't have a lot of money. i remember that he came into Starbucks one day, and i told him that his drink and snack was on the house (i paid for it). he counted his change so meticulously that i started to wonder if he had money for food on a regular basis. anyway. his eyes got real big, and he smiled and said, "thank you." my heart melted.


i get so upset when i see very capable people passing up or looking over those that are more unfortunate than they are. if i could do anything in this world, i think I'd try to stop homelessness. there's something about seeing someone, in sub-freezing weather, lying on the concrete with a newspaper over them. I've seen it time and time again, and you can give me all the, "they did it to themselves" crap you want, but sometimes, people are victims of circumstance.


i know someone who lived in his car with his daughter for 6 months. he doesn't feel sorry for himself, but rather, he thinks of himself as very lucky that he was able to get his daughter out of that horrible situation. before that, he had a very steady, good job. but sometimes, things don't work out the way they should or the way that we would like them to.


you never know someone's circumstance if you never ask or make a connection. you should never judge someone by that circumstance, and you should never let someone less capable than yourself struggle if you can help them. it's just plain nice, and it's just plain right.


we are given opportunities everyday to show our hearts to people, and if we never take the opportunity, then we will never know what it feels like to impact someone else's life.


random acts of kindness. or, as morgan freeman says in Evan Almighty, "Acts of Random Kindness" (ARK). i think that each of us would be better served in our daily lives if we take a minute out of our day to help someone else, even if it's as simple as holding a door open for someone.


"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" -- EVAN ALMIGHTY

Love. Expectation.

I was thinking how I wanted to start this blog with something commanding and powerful, because that, to me, is how love is. I wanted to make some statement that would drastically change your outlook on love and would make you, if you don't already, believe in its powers. And this is what I came up with.

"Love conquers all."

YAWN. So, never mind the grandeur of that beginning and let's move on. I had a conversation with a friend last night about relationships, dating, love, and the expectations we put on all the above.




THE "TYPE"
I think we all have a "type" of person to whom we are attracted.

a. physical
We all have physical features that we find attractive in the opposite sex-- hair color, eye color, straight teeth, thin, thick, short, tall-- and these features are what initially attract us. They are what make us go up to someone and start a conversation (unless you'll talk to anyone, which is usually my case) in hopes of having an outcome resembling a date or intimate relationship.

So we have this idea in our heads of what turns us on. But by having an idea in your head that says, "okay, I like red heads that are shorter than me," are you limiting yourself? Are you passing up a potentially awesome individual because they happen to have brown hair and are taller than you? After all, these physical features we are attracted to are just that... physical. People dye their hair all the time, and looks only last so long. They eventually fade, your face eventually gets wrinkles, your boobs and ass sag, and you're not as flexible as you used to be.

b. mental
Then, AFTER we make that initial meeting, we actually start to talk to the person and get to know them. This is where the mental attraction kicks in. Are they smart? Can they put a proper sentence together using correct grammar? Do they enjoy reading? Do they have a good sense of humor? Do they have beliefs and opinions and fears and hopes and aspirations?

Now, this is where most people lose each other. Either they're physically attracted to someone who has no mind, and that's what they like, or they're physically attracted to someone and, upon getting to know the other person, find out they clash terribly and decide to go their separate ways. But here are my questions:




1. By stating we have a "type" we know we are attracted to, are we limiting ourselves from other options out there?
I think the answer is two-fold. On one hand, I think it's good to know what we like and don't like when it comes to someone's looks. On the other hand, though, if you tell yourself that you are only open to communication with people who fit into the mold you've contrived in your head, then the answer is "yes," you are limiting yourself.

Like I said before. Looks fade. Your significant other will not always be a size 2; they will not always look great naked; they will not always have their hair color. I think it’s important to keep yourself open to all different kinds of people, because you never know when your type could change or even if you’re attracted to a different kind of person. I don’t think it’s fair to put limitations on the possibility of love, and it’s definitely not fair to put limitations on yourself.

2. Should more emphasis be put upon physical or mental features?

Clearly, if you don’t already know someone, everyone tends to be initially attracted to the physical features, but I think by no means that it is the most important part of a person.

3. Should we care what others think about our significant other and our relationship?

I think we care too much about what people think in general. And if we’re in a relationship, we’re already making ourselves more vulnerable to someone else, so it’s very easy to feel uneasy when others question our intentions and feelings. However, I don’t think that we should be putting emphasis on what others think about the relationship. After all, in the end, who goes home with who?

4. Can someone's looks change after you get to know them, therefore making them either less or more attractive to you?

I absolutely believe that looks can change after you get to know a person. That’s why some people think their significant other is the most beautiful person in the world, even if their physical features aren’t what typical society would think of as “attractive.” I don’t believe anyone who says you can’t become more or less attracted to someone after getting to know them. Seriously, if that were the case, all couples in the world would spend their days just sitting and staring at each other because that’s the only thing they found good about the other person.

I think that once you get to know someone, their mind, their heart, etc., you either become more attracted to them and their appearance changes, too.

5. Why do we date?

Well, my grandma always told me that you date to spend time with someone. I think that’s crap. I can spend time with a lot of people and not date them. I think you go through the primal ritual of dating to get married. Dating is a means to an end. You shouldn’t date to fill your time because you’re bored or because you haven’t dated someone in a long time. You DEFINTELY shouldn’t date to “get some.” When you do that, you end up hurting the other person in the process, and that’s just not fair.

general commentary.

I guess my thing is this. I've been single for a long time. I'm 24 and have had 1.5 boyfriends. I say 1.5 because I dated a guy for awhile, was dumped, then the next summer, "talked" to a guy who said he couldn't call me his girlfriend until I lost weight because, basically, he cared a lot about what people thought about him and us. He was studying to be a minister, too. I'd love to see how he would treat people in HIS church. Anyway. I don't care to fill my time with people who aren't worth my time. That's obvious, considering decisions I've made in the past 5 months, 5 days, and even past 24 hours.

Yes, I say that I have a "type," but I don't put limitations on myself. I fell completely in love with my best friend who, by no means, was my physical or mental type. Half the time, he didn't understand what I was talking about because either he didn't get my weird innuendos/pop culture references, or he was too preoccupied with his life to ask what I meant. We laughed a lot, though, and that's important to me. He cared a lot for other people's kids, and all in all, his intentions were usually in the right place, but his follow-thru sucked. So why did I love him so much? He wasn't all that physically attractive to me, but I saw his heart, and I think that in the end, that's what matters.

You fall in love with someone's heart, not with someone's pant size or color of eyes. You fall in love with someone's passions, their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations, their mind, and their child-like manner. At least I did. I'm not sure if you can ever truly stop loving someone.

Most of all, don't sell yourself short. Don't think that you'll never find someone because you're too picky or whatever. It's okay to be picky, but if you're picky, you can't close yourself off to any encounter or opportunity. You never know if your soulmate is someone who doesn't attract you physically at first, but gets you with their mind and heart.

Hope... Why We Either Have It or Lack It

I don't really have any rants or complaints this evening, other than the fact my right foot hurts for some reason. But tonight, something became very clear to me when I was talking to a friend. Hope, and why do we have or lack it?


Think of it this way. I once read this book called "All Familes are Psychotic." I never understood how true the title is. Every family has it's little quarks, making each one both unique and equally as crazy. No matter what your home life was like, is like, or should be like, we all find ourselves wondering if we're the only person in the entire world whose family is the way it is. I love my family dearly, and we've been through extremely rough patches throughout the years, but at the end of the day, we love each other, and that's all the matters. It doesn't matter how many words were thrown crossways, how many doors were slammed, how many pillows were screamed into, how many tears hit the floor, or how many exasperated sighs were uttered. It all comes down to family in the end.


But I think there's still a tiny part of each and every one of us that hopes things could have been different. Maybe one less door had been slammed, or that one word that sent someone over the edge had failed to reach your lips. Or even that tiny hope for a "normal" family. I'm using the family analogy because I think each of us can relate to it. We've all been there, and if you haven't then, well, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. (Either that or you've failed to admit to yourself that you either want or at one point wanted change in your life)


I think we all, as humans possessing a heart, soul, and mind, regardless of religious affiliations, are hoping for something. We all hope for a better job, a bigger paycheck, a sunny day, an eternal resting place, an answer to a question, a person to share our love and life with, or a really good story to tell our friends. We hope for a brighter future for the kids of today, or medical care for everyone, or to not be alone when it's storming outside. There's always going to be a void in our lives that we fill with the possible hope for something.


Why do we hope so much? Why do we so badly want to put so much importance on something that could be? We don't know if our hopes will become reality, but the thought of "hoping" is so attractive to us. Is it because we are lacking emotionally or spiritually? "Faith, hope, and love," right? I Corinthians 13:13 says, "Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." We have faith, therefore we hope for the strength for something or for a certain outcome to a certain event. "But the greatest of these is love." So we think and hope that love will conquer all. I don't know. It may just be me, but I think the idea of hoping is a shallow attempt of filling a hole in our lives.


What good does it do to hope for something? We can't change anything. Christianity teaches us about predestination, where God has everything planned out for us before we're born, and free will, what I understand to be something along the lines of The Price is Right. There are three doors from which to choose. You have the free will to choose whichever door (or path) to take, and God knows what's behind that door, therefore He will offer three more, and so on and so on. At least that's how I view it... a combination of both. But with either predestination or free will, we can't change the outcome. It's still all "God-led," with an ultimate ending and goal. What does hoping do for us, other than make us disappointed when things don't go the way we wanted them to?


Even if you're not Christian, and you don't believe in God or a higher power who will eventually fill your ultimate goal, do YOU think hoping for something to happen or get better or change actually works? Seriously. My point is that it's the same concept when you put a quarter into a stupid machine at an arcade trying to win a prize. You don't know what the outcome will be, so don't get your hopes up.


I'm a shameless hope addict. I constantly hope for things to change, for people to see me a certain way, for people to come back into my life, for people to WANT to come back, or best friends who aren't too preoccupied with their own lives, for love, for purpose, for a job, to get out of WV and make it on my own, for there not to be fighting anymore, for there to be no more reasons to cry.


The truth of the matter is this. Some things will never change; some people will always see me in a certain light; some friends are gone forever and will never want to come back; some best friends just become a phone call a week, a call on your birthday, or a Christmas card during the holidays; some people don't love as hard as I do; I may never have a purpose; I may work at Starbucks the rest of my life; I may live and die in Bridgeport, WV; there is always something to fight about and fight for; you'll cry until you're dead.


I can't waste my life hoping that things will get better. I can't waste my life hoping that I was good enough on earth to get into Heaven. I can't waste my life hoping that if maybe one less door was slammed or one less word escaped my lips when I was standing up for something, things would change. I'm done wasting my life, and from now, I'm going to be who I am, take me or leave me, because I can't hope my life and actions and expectations are what someone else wanted.

Religion, Atheism, Can't We All Just Get Along?!

Okay, before you start jumping down my throat because you think I don't believe in God, I do. I'm a Christian. I believe that Jesus died for our sins on the cross and all that. This blog is purely an analytical attempt at sorting out information so you, the reader, can start to think about different sides to this debate. I honestly want feedback. Let me know what you think and how you perceive this subject.


What is religion? If you think about it, religion is a solution to a problem. You have a problem? You're seeking answers? Religion provides those answers, or at least a level of comfort in knowing that "everything will be alright."


When you accept religion, you accept the package deal of salvation, a place to go when you die, the answers to all your questions, a place for your soul to expire to, and the "ultimate father figure." We can find comfort in knowing that there is something out there that will "fix" us if we want it to. Even though it's completely untangible and the only thing we argue is that we just "know" God exists. That's what faith is, after all, right? Hebrews II:I says: "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." It does not tell us that we will see tangible, visible evidence of God.


Sometimes I feel that people use religion as a crutch-- a means to an end. They find themselves so unhappy and devoid of anything good in their life until one day, they see an ad in a newspaper for a church that promises "God's Love," or a guy comes door to door with a Bible and, BOOM. Problems solved. They've searched their entire life for something to believe in, something to make their lives on earth worth something. But now they're believing in something they can't even see or touch or feel?


Atheism, on the other hand, views life as this: we don't have a problem. There is not some quandary, some problem so unsolvable that we can't find answers here, on Earth. We live here after all, don't we? We know this planet better than anyone. (BTW, I say "we," but I do not include myself in this because, as I stated before, I am a Christian) Atheists actually believe you have to work for what you know, for what you think and for what you feel. There's no guidebook on what to do in any given situation. You're not handed the answers on a silver platter with a pat on the back and swift kick out the door until next Sunday.



Then there's Agnostics. A different version of atheists with a little dash of the religious mixed in. For what I've read and been told by agnostics, they seem to not want to make up their mind as to who exactly is controlling their universe. Only that there is something doing the moving and shifting, but they can't prove is the God we Christians know it to be.


What I find interesting is the actual meaning of "agnostic." Agnostic literally means: "a" - without, "gnosis" - knowledge. I wonder if the majority of agnostics know this? If I were an agnostic and found this out, I'd be pissed. Who's to tell them they have no knowledge? And who's to say that the epitome of knowledge is God? There were a great number of philosophers and scientists that denied the Christian God's existence, but rather accepted the fact that there was perhaps, maybe some higher being. If I remember correctly, Albert Einstein even claimed to be "without knowledge." But seriously, where we would be without E=mc2? (Ok, granted, I have no idea what that means... but it seems super important)


I don't mean to piss people off with this blog, but I think I will. Some of you may be thinking, "But she claims to be Christian! How can she even entertain such ideas of the non-existence of God? That's blasphemy!" Here's the thing: I'M NOT DENYING THE EXISTENCE OF GOD. I'm simply stating a different side to an argument. I know that some of my fellow Christians refuse to accept the idea that God doesn't exist for some people, and we must always be trying to get non-believers to circle the wagon.


Here's my point of view. I know what I believe, and I'm not about to tell you what you're supposed to believe. I'm very "Live and Let Live," and I would have voted for Obama if I had been able to get past some of his crazier antics. I like healthy debate, and I like looking at different sides of arguments or discussions. I have a lot of friends that are atheist or agnostic, and I don't care. What matters is someone's heart, not whether or not they have a cross hanging in their house or go to church every Sunday. If you seek answers and find those answers in God, or Buddha, or Allah, or Brahman, then good for you. If seek answers and find them in "Dear Abby," then good for you. If you seek answers, don't find them, and sit on your butt and watch Dr. Phill because those people's lives make you feel better about yourself, then good for you. I don't care. Do what you want.


And if you're someone who just got pissed off after reading this, why??? TELL ME! Round One and I'm not even closed to being tapped.

Isn't It Funny...

...how people we once thought ourselves to be inseparable from are no longer in our lives?


Perfect example. I was looking at my old middle school yearbooks with some friends tonight and laughing about what was in them. How we marked out people we didn't like, wrote snide comments next to people who were mean and stuck up (you got that a lot in Bridgeport), or how we thought certain guys had "VCRs" (very cute rears)... yeah, we were cool. Then I started reading the signatures that I had gotten. One was from this girl who I had been best friends with for as long as I could remember. She had written about a few guys we were friends with and how she liked them, and how "in 50 years, we'll laugh about this because I'll probably have married one of them."


Truth is, when we got to high school, we drifted apart faster than you could have said "best friend." We spoke occasionally, but I was too concerned with keeping my grades up and doing all the extra-curricular stuff I wanted. She was, well, too concerned with extra-curricular activities of her own, if you know what I mean. I went years without seeing her or talking to her, and I'm not even sure if she was at graduation or not. I saw her about 8 months ago at Speedway, and then we found each other on Facebook not too long ago. But nothing could ever have come close to what we were like in middle school.


Which brings me to my point. When we're younger, we think that nothing can tear us apart from our friends or the little lives we've set up for ourselves. If we are fortunate enough to stay in one place long enough, we find those best friends and build those relationships we call "everlasting," and we think they will actually last 50 years. Some do, I guess. But we usually can't see past the upcoming summer session or, God forbid, what will happen when we get to high school.


Then, even with high school friends, things are never the same after graduation. In high school, you are no longer separated by grades. You get mixed in with different classes, people older or younger than you, and your social circle begins to go beyond educational levels. You become friends with people older than you who leave you when they graduated, or you become friends with people younger than you that you leave when you graduate.


Then college happens. I chose to attend a college that not one person from my graduating class was attending. 80% of that was on purpose, mind you, because 90% of my graduating class were pretentious, stuck up snobs who made sure everyone around them knew they were made of money. So, anyway. Friends choose different colleges, go off and make their own mark on the campus, find new people to hang out with, and people grow apart. If you're lucky, you keep in touch with the people who meant the most to you. But even then, sometimes they change so much you don't even care to recognize them anymore.


I guess it's just so funny to me how we make these "life-long friendships" that usually don't last until next period. We, as a society, put so much pressure on ourselves to fit in and have friends that we forget the responsibility that comes with the title. We want to be the popular one, the one that always has a significant other, the one that's never eating alone at lunch, the one with the most signatures in our yearbook. We want that validation that, no matter what happens in life, we'll never go through it alone. But why wouldn't you want to go through something alone?


Being alone allows you time to think, to process, to sort things out within yourself so you can be the best person you can be in these "life-long" friendships. When did we become so dependent on other people? When you think about it, these people who help you through your first boyfriend, your first school dance, or your first kiss... they won't be there for you the first time you get wasted at a frat party, or when you bomb your first college exam, or when you're walking across that stage on the day of your college graduation, half hungover from the night before. They won't be there for you "50 years later" to laugh about that guy you kinda liked in 7th grade.


People move in and out of our lives for reasons. I honestly believe that. We probably will never know the reasons, or we'll never be smart enough to figure out why the girl that signed my yearbook in 6th grade with "LYLASF" (love ya like a sis forever) probably has no idea I'm alive at this point. But we accept it. We have to, because have no other choice. It's not anything that we did, or that they did. It just happens.


I'm glad to have had the opportunity to grow up with the same group of kids from elementary school through graduation. I'm glad I didn't have to move around like some of my friends. I was fortunate enough to say that I have a best friend I made in high school. That I still talk to her at least once a day on the phone, even though we live in separate states. That I was afforded the opportunity to become part of someone else's journey. I believe that kids who move around a lot when they're younger never fully grasp the importance of lasting friendships.


Ok, I know the last sentence I just wrote basically went against everything I've been ranting about. But hear me out. When you're uprooted as a young kid, even if it's just once, you lose the chance to be someone's best friend (even if it's just until summer ends). You learn to build those relationships; you learn how to interact with people; you learn the importance of being someone's friend; you learn to keep up with people and keep in touch with them and actually CARE what's going on in their lives.


I guess I was just lucky. I do still wonder where my childhood best friend is.. what she does, how she is, where she wants to be in 10 years. I wonder if we'll ever find each other again (other than Facebook, which is a simplistic, meaningless way of being someone's friend) in difference circumstances and laugh about that guy she almost dated in 7th grade (which, seriously.. can you really date someone in 7th grade? that's a whole other rant...)

Lashing Out

I know that I'm not the only person who gets upset, aggravated, frustrated, annoyed, fed up?? I didn't think so.


The one thing that gets on my nerves more than anything else is people who think everyday is the best day of their life. Seriously, folks? There's not one day you just want to haul off and punch someone? Cry? Lash out? Get mad and talk about it? Confront someone? Scream at the top of your lungs? Mope?


See, my point of view is this: I bottled so much emotion up for so long my entire life that I know what it does to people. It eats away at your soul, either making you 1) a zombie set on auto-play, or 2) someone who doesn't know who they truly are. Life is waiting, staring you in the face, and you can't do anything because you're immobilized by these emotions and feelings you've kept inside for so long.


How can you ever truly understand who you are unless you understand who you can't be? I've learned a whole heck of a lot about myself lately. Some things I love; some things I hate; some things I'm still working on. But I refuse to keep quite anymore. I'm not hiding behind a wall, self-erected might I add, and saying, "It's ok. I'm just back here, hanging out... feel free to walk all over me." It's not healthy.


I know people of all ages and walks in life who still don't know who they really are. They are either in jobs or positions where it's their duty to show only "good" emotion, where they have to hide who they really are. I know people who only know how to let out the bad and can't see the good in anything. Kids, teenagers, adults, older folks who are all walking around with their heads you-know-where because they either think life is sunny and happy all the time, or they think everyone is out to get them.


Where's the balance?


Life isn't sunny and happy all the time. But that's okay. It's through the bad times we discover ourselves. We find out what we can handle, how much we can take, how we react, and how to bounce back. You never see the bad times in a photo album, but the bad times are what gets us from one happy photograph to the next, right? I totally quoted that from a movie, by the way... but it's so true. We may not choose to photograph the bad times, but our painful experiences and memories make the good times that much better. You can only know who you are in your best times if you let yourself experience the bad.


On the other hand, there's no need to not be able to see the bright side of a situation. People who walk around with a dark cloud over their heads all the time are in the same situation. If you only choose to see the bad in life, you end up missing out on the good... the happy photographs. The ability to see a silver lining is an exceptional trait to possess.


HOWEVER.


What I'm trying to say, I guess, is this. Don't diminish the bad in your life. Take it. Figure out what the hell is going on, and deal with it. It's alright be have bad days. It's alright to let things get to you. How will you ever know how strong you are unless you know how weak you can let yourself be? Not everyday is fantastic, terrific, great, amazing, or outstanding. Take the good. Take the bad. Find a balance. Live life-- the ups AND the downs. You may find out you're someone completely different.

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn...

As most of you know, I don't write blogs to get attention, to get comments, or to really get a rise out of anyone. I honestly don't care who reads these things or makes fun of them or whatever... I write stuff to speak it into existence for my own sanity.


I believe that man's biggest downfall is the resistance to change. We don't want to change because we become so comfortable in our lives and who we think we are or should be that we tend to push away the unfamiliar. I am extremely guilty of this. I see change all around me, and until just recently, I tried to ignore it and pretend that everything was alright just the way it was in my little bubble.


Well, no more.


A lot of things have happened in the past 5 months of my life that has thrown me for a loop. I've become unsure of how to approach things with friends... one friend in particular. If you're reading this, I'm fairly certain you know who you are. If you have realized it is you, I want to say I'm sorry and that I don't mean to deal with our relationship the way I do. I just don't know how to deal with it any differently. Please forgive me and stay by my side as I learn more about who I am, what I'm doing, what I want, and how to get there.


Relationships can be a very hard things to grasp. I don't think that anyone can very really say they are good at them. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is: romantic, friendship, acquaintance, or whatever. No matter if someone is in your life for 5 minutes, 5 years, or 5 seconds... we all affect each other, no matter how hard we try to not let it happen. I can honestly say that everyone I have ever met in my entire life has changed me in a way that I could have never done myself.


I believe that the most special of relationships are challenging ones. Sometimes, you'll come to a bridge in that relationship, where one person is ready to cross the bridge before the other. They are on the other side, yelling for you to follow them... but you just can't because you haven't figured out your path across the bridge yet. It's so important to find your own path in life and no let others influence you, but rather guide you in making your decisions. You can't make your decisions in life based upon another person. Believe me. I've lived the majority of my life doing so. It does nothing but make you faceless and scared when it's time to make your own choices. Take guidance from others, accept love from your friends and family, but most of all, demand support for yourself.


So, change. Change is tricky, but when it's thought out and done right, change s exactly what people need. Personally, the way I view change right now is this: I take who I was 5 months ago and dial it back. I take who I was 5 years ago and dial that back. I take the image of who I want to be and dial that back. I assess what I see that I like, don't like, who's influenced me, who's tried to change me, and who has supported me. I see relationships from beginning to now, beginning to end, and beginning to ending.


I don't believe that all relationships are meant to withstand distance and time. I once thought they could, and I tried really hard to make them so. However, I don't think one person can do it alone. On the other hand, I don't think it's fair to either party to drag out a relationship if both ends aren't being upheld. My view on friendships have changed, and I don't think that's a bad thing. Friends take each other and good and bad, and it's got to be a mutual thing.


I'm so jealous of people who can live and survive by themselves. I honestly don't know if I can do that, but I'm willing to try. I have a friend who's husband is in the navy. They moved 2,500 miles away from their family. They had a baby. He leaves for months at a time, leaving her and their daughter at home. However, I think this girl is so incredibly strong because she has her own hobbies, interest, and life outside of her husband. I can't stand girls who only exist with their significant other. I think it's so important to exist separately before you can exist together. I'm not sure if this girl knows how much I admire her and strive to be the way she is, but Nicole, if you're reading this, I admire you.


She has made me realize a lot of things about who I am as a person. For the longest time, I found solace in friendships, guys, and best friends. Granted, I couldn't live my life without those people, but at the same time, existing by yourself and finding out who you truly are can only move a relationship forward. How can you contribute to someone else's life if you don't know what the hell is going on in your own life? I don't think you can. You have to get your own priorities straight before you can positively affect someone's life.


For a long time, I made decisions based upon what others would think, how they would react, and what made them happy. I tried to please others around me without thinking of myself first. All in all, it worked out for me, until I started resenting myself for doing it and resenting others for making me feel like I couldn't be myself around them. Well, I'm not going to do it anymore.


My truths.
1) I like beer, and I'll have an occasional drink. So what?
2) I cuss sometimes. I don't think it's bad. Who deemed these words as curse words anyway?
3) I have a strong faith in God, but for the most part, I don't particularly enjoy going to church. Mainly because church was always something I had to do growing up instead of something I wanted to do. I think you can have God without having a building to confine Him in.
4) I don't really date, mostly because I was holding out for someone who I thought could possibly see the real me. But, as most people know, letting someone see the real you isn't easy, and in the end, it was my own damn fault. So, I've moved on and am ready to date (even though I honestly don't think I'm genetically engineered for it)
5) I don't have high self-esteem. I blame the media. I don't think I'm pretty, and I'll argue with you if you try to tell me otherwise.
6) I think most guys are douche bags. I've found a select few who negate that fact, which is why I use the word "most."
7) I think love can transcend time and distance, however I beg sometime to show me that in real life. I'm a cynic, and I don't believe in happy endings.
8) Most of the time, I put others before me, but that stops now. I'm almost 24 for God's sakes. It's time to start living the way I want to.
9) My mom knows a lot about me, and she still loves me anyway. I don't believe your family loves you because they have to, because I've seen a lot of occasions where this isn't true. Your family knows the true you, and if they love you anyway, not because they have to, but because they want to, then I think there's hope for me yet.
10) I want to get married, and when I do, I want to be the number one thing my husband thinks about. I don't want anything to get in the way of our relationship, like work or friends or other opportunities. I take marriage vows seriously, and if it takes me 30 more years to find someone, then damn it, I'm getting married at 54.


I'm changing. I'm no longer the person who is going to sit quietly, always be there to answer the phone when you call, drop everything she's doing to assist you, or change plans to make someone happy. I will, however, continue to be an open ear, a loving heart, someone to laugh and cry with, and a sounding board for others. I'm going to be the best person I know how to be, learn to put myself first, and love so hard that it's scary. If you can't handle that, or if you don't like that, then get out of my way, because sooner or later, I'm going to make you if you don't belong here.


PS. This probably doesn't make a WHOLE lot of sense to you, but that's fine. It's 4am, I'm on a lot of pain meds... but that makes it all the more fun and festive.