As most of you know, I don't write blogs to get attention, to get comments, or to really get a rise out of anyone. I honestly don't care who reads these things or makes fun of them or whatever... I write stuff to speak it into existence for my own sanity.
I believe that man's biggest downfall is the resistance to change. We don't want to change because we become so comfortable in our lives and who we think we are or should be that we tend to push away the unfamiliar. I am extremely guilty of this. I see change all around me, and until just recently, I tried to ignore it and pretend that everything was alright just the way it was in my little bubble.
Well, no more.
A lot of things have happened in the past 5 months of my life that has thrown me for a loop. I've become unsure of how to approach things with friends... one friend in particular. If you're reading this, I'm fairly certain you know who you are. If you have realized it is you, I want to say I'm sorry and that I don't mean to deal with our relationship the way I do. I just don't know how to deal with it any differently. Please forgive me and stay by my side as I learn more about who I am, what I'm doing, what I want, and how to get there.
Relationships can be a very hard things to grasp. I don't think that anyone can very really say they are good at them. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is: romantic, friendship, acquaintance, or whatever. No matter if someone is in your life for 5 minutes, 5 years, or 5 seconds... we all affect each other, no matter how hard we try to not let it happen. I can honestly say that everyone I have ever met in my entire life has changed me in a way that I could have never done myself.
I believe that the most special of relationships are challenging ones. Sometimes, you'll come to a bridge in that relationship, where one person is ready to cross the bridge before the other. They are on the other side, yelling for you to follow them... but you just can't because you haven't figured out your path across the bridge yet. It's so important to find your own path in life and no let others influence you, but rather guide you in making your decisions. You can't make your decisions in life based upon another person. Believe me. I've lived the majority of my life doing so. It does nothing but make you faceless and scared when it's time to make your own choices. Take guidance from others, accept love from your friends and family, but most of all, demand support for yourself.
So, change. Change is tricky, but when it's thought out and done right, change s exactly what people need. Personally, the way I view change right now is this: I take who I was 5 months ago and dial it back. I take who I was 5 years ago and dial that back. I take the image of who I want to be and dial that back. I assess what I see that I like, don't like, who's influenced me, who's tried to change me, and who has supported me. I see relationships from beginning to now, beginning to end, and beginning to ending.
I don't believe that all relationships are meant to withstand distance and time. I once thought they could, and I tried really hard to make them so. However, I don't think one person can do it alone. On the other hand, I don't think it's fair to either party to drag out a relationship if both ends aren't being upheld. My view on friendships have changed, and I don't think that's a bad thing. Friends take each other and good and bad, and it's got to be a mutual thing.
I'm so jealous of people who can live and survive by themselves. I honestly don't know if I can do that, but I'm willing to try. I have a friend who's husband is in the navy. They moved 2,500 miles away from their family. They had a baby. He leaves for months at a time, leaving her and their daughter at home. However, I think this girl is so incredibly strong because she has her own hobbies, interest, and life outside of her husband. I can't stand girls who only exist with their significant other. I think it's so important to exist separately before you can exist together. I'm not sure if this girl knows how much I admire her and strive to be the way she is, but Nicole, if you're reading this, I admire you.
She has made me realize a lot of things about who I am as a person. For the longest time, I found solace in friendships, guys, and best friends. Granted, I couldn't live my life without those people, but at the same time, existing by yourself and finding out who you truly are can only move a relationship forward. How can you contribute to someone else's life if you don't know what the hell is going on in your own life? I don't think you can. You have to get your own priorities straight before you can positively affect someone's life.
For a long time, I made decisions based upon what others would think, how they would react, and what made them happy. I tried to please others around me without thinking of myself first. All in all, it worked out for me, until I started resenting myself for doing it and resenting others for making me feel like I couldn't be myself around them. Well, I'm not going to do it anymore.
My truths.
1) I like beer, and I'll have an occasional drink. So what?
2) I cuss sometimes. I don't think it's bad. Who deemed these words as curse words anyway?
3) I have a strong faith in God, but for the most part, I don't particularly enjoy going to church. Mainly because church was always something I had to do growing up instead of something I wanted to do. I think you can have God without having a building to confine Him in.
4) I don't really date, mostly because I was holding out for someone who I thought could possibly see the real me. But, as most people know, letting someone see the real you isn't easy, and in the end, it was my own damn fault. So, I've moved on and am ready to date (even though I honestly don't think I'm genetically engineered for it)
5) I don't have high self-esteem. I blame the media. I don't think I'm pretty, and I'll argue with you if you try to tell me otherwise.
6) I think most guys are douche bags. I've found a select few who negate that fact, which is why I use the word "most."
7) I think love can transcend time and distance, however I beg sometime to show me that in real life. I'm a cynic, and I don't believe in happy endings.
8) Most of the time, I put others before me, but that stops now. I'm almost 24 for God's sakes. It's time to start living the way I want to.
9) My mom knows a lot about me, and she still loves me anyway. I don't believe your family loves you because they have to, because I've seen a lot of occasions where this isn't true. Your family knows the true you, and if they love you anyway, not because they have to, but because they want to, then I think there's hope for me yet.
10) I want to get married, and when I do, I want to be the number one thing my husband thinks about. I don't want anything to get in the way of our relationship, like work or friends or other opportunities. I take marriage vows seriously, and if it takes me 30 more years to find someone, then damn it, I'm getting married at 54.
I'm changing. I'm no longer the person who is going to sit quietly, always be there to answer the phone when you call, drop everything she's doing to assist you, or change plans to make someone happy. I will, however, continue to be an open ear, a loving heart, someone to laugh and cry with, and a sounding board for others. I'm going to be the best person I know how to be, learn to put myself first, and love so hard that it's scary. If you can't handle that, or if you don't like that, then get out of my way, because sooner or later, I'm going to make you if you don't belong here.
PS. This probably doesn't make a WHOLE lot of sense to you, but that's fine. It's 4am, I'm on a lot of pain meds... but that makes it all the more fun and festive.
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