Decisions

When will God ever stop teaching me lessons?


For as long as I can remember, decision-making has always been fairly easy for me. Im usually one of those make-a-decision-in-the-spur-of-the-moment-and-live-with-the-consequences kinda girl. I never really put a lot of thought into most of my decisions because, in the end, does it really matter? There were no real big things of significance to decide about. You may be saying to yourself, "What about your college search? Or grad school? Nope. I applied to two college, and OU didn't give me enough money. I applied to ONE graduate school, and I got in.


I'd leave town at a drop of a hat to take vacation. I'd choose topics of papers heedlessly. I changed my major without a lot of thought. I get a wild hare about something, and I usually do it Change my hair color. Buy a new cell phone. Whatever it was, I put as little thought into it as possible, and thus far, all has been well.


However, I've been faced with a challenge this week, and my heart has been heavy. I need to make a decision that involves something extremely important to me, and it seems that my spur-of-the-moment decision-making just won't do.


I didn't know what to do, and being inside my own head was driving me bonkers. For those of you who don't know me very well, I am an over-analyzer in a lot of respects. I look at things from every single angle and every possible scenario. I place myself inside the situation, and I take my self away from it. I don't go as far as making a pro-con list, but I'm sure, in this situation, it would have helped.


Do you know what 4 days of constant thought feels like?


When I was about ready to just throw my hands up, I decided to just take a break from everything and read. Reading always puts me some other place, and that's exactly what I needed. I picked up Atheism, Morality and Meaning, a book I'd been working on for a few weeks now. (It is a tad ironic that I chose this book to read because it requires a LOT of thought.) So I picked up the notebook I'd been taking notes in (yes, I take notes when I read philosophical books) and noticed the front of it. I had read the front of this notebook when I received it last Christmas as a gift by my best friend, but I hadn't read it in awhile because it had been packed away. It's a quotation from Mary Anne Radmacher that reads:


live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.


Isn't it funny how God puts certain things in front of you to remind you of what you've forgotten? As I look over the words of this quotation, even now I'm reminded of things I've learned about myself.


Live with intention. What is life, and how is it worth living, if you're not living for some purpose?
Walk to the edge. Don't play it safe all the time. If you walk through this life worrying about everything that could go wrong, you're never going to live and have amazing experiences.
Listen hard. Not only to those around you, but to yourself.
Practice wellness. Wellness of heart, mind, body, and soul.
Play with abandon. I don't want to encourage playing with fire, but I will encourage the concept. Don't always play it safe; take chances.
Laugh. Laughter is the reminder that we are still alive. Find something to laugh about each day, even if it's yourself.
Choose with no regret. I don't live my life with regrets, and sometimes, I forget why I do that. Regret is nothing but admittance that you've done something "wrong." There are no "wrong" things, only things we've done or haven't done. Take each experience, but good and bad, and learn something from it.
Continue to learn. Learning is essential to living a well-rounded life. Your mind never stops neurologically growing as long as you continue learning and exercising your brain and challenging it.
Appreciate your friends. You aren't alone in this life. There are people around you who love and care for you, and they want to be there in times of happiness, sorrow, etc. Appreciate those people, and never take them for granted. They will teach you far more than you know.
Do what you love. It'll never be a job if you love what you do. I wholeheartedly concur.
Live as if this is all there is. This is what I need to remember the most. Read on.


This entire week, I've been trying to separate my head from my heart, or "church from state," if you will. It never occurred to me that they have to work together. After all, your heart is only 13" from your head, right? But the truth of the matter is that all those decisions I'd made over my lifetime had been made, ul;ultimately, with my heart. It seems I'd always found a way to be utterly happy as long as I followed what my heart wanted, and as long as I couldn't immediately foresee any "danger" on down the road, my head went along with it.


I could sit here and "what if" things to death. I have sat here and "what if"ed things to death. Every scenario, rational or otherwise, has been bouncing around in my head like a mental patient who didn't take their proper daily dose. Life is full of "what ifs," but it's what you choose to accept as real and not real that honestly makes the difference. You can't perpetually live as if there is something better out there, something or someone to make you more happy, a different situation with different circumstances. You are dealt the hand you are dealt, and in that moment in time, you are where you are meant to be. You may not know the reason why, but trust Him, there is a reason.


Live in the moment. "Remember this moment, for this moment is your life." Whatever bumpy road you are lead down or CHOOSE to take, or whatever calm sea you choose to sail, it's your decision. It's my decision. I choose the path I want to take in life and every unforeseen good or bad circumstance that goes along with it. There are either things you do or don't do. There are no shades of grey. If you start seeing everything on a gradient, you will question everything to death, and trust me, it's not a good feeling.


So, rambling aside, God is continually teaching me new things about myself and constantly, in the tiniest ways, reminding of me things of which I've lost sight. I know what my heart is telling me to do, and I can see the forest for the trees this time. Both eyes open, I'm all in.